Alphabet Soup
by yas-m
Summary: A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Alphabet Soup 1/8

**Characters:** Kate, Kate/Jack

**Summary:** A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**Anger**

She is angry at him. She is angry at herself. She is not sure exactly anymore. She knows anger is a natural part of the process so she stops fighting it. She stops trying to rationalize it. And she does not even try to explain to Claire why the picture of them at Sayid and Nadia's wedding that used to sit on the mantle is now shattered on the floor at the other end of the living room.

**Black**

That's how she drinks her coffee now. She does not like it, never did. She remembers how he'd laugh at the face she'd make when she would accidently take a sip out of his mug. Milk and two sugars was how she'd take it, most days with him bringing it up to her in bed while she lay in the warmer part of the bed he'd just vacated. But that was then, and this is now. And now she drinks her coffee black. Just like he did.

**Camera**

She finds the camera in his bedside table during one of her numerous visits to his apartment. She does not remember ever seeing him with a camera, not when they'd take Aaron to the park, not during Aaron's birthday or when they'd gone to see the Red Sox when they came to LA. She starts crying from the first picture she sees, a picture of her and Aaron asleep on the couch. She remembers that evening. Aaron had insisted they stay up and wait for Jack to come home on his birthday, but Jack was held up in surer and they were both fast asleep by the time he came back home. Jack had carried Aaron up to his room and came back down to get her. She woke up to the warmth of his chest as he was climbing up the stairs. She remembers mumbling "happy birthday" against his neck. She barely recalls him whispering "thank you" as he kissed her hair.

She goes through the pictures as she curls up in his bed. It's an array of shots he had taken her knowing.; shots of her and Aaron, his family, around the house. There are pictures of Aaron watching cartoons, laughing and pointing at the screen, of Aaron having breakfast, his face smothered with peanut butter and jelly, of Aaron finger painting, his hands and shirt a rainbow of colors, of Aaron trying to steady his Lego tower and of his falling asleep in her lap, sucking his thumb and holding onto her shirt.

There are pictures of her she never noticed him take; a picture of her on the coldest night she had ever seen in LA, curled up on the couch, hugging her mug of hot chocolate, a picture of her reading to Aaron, a close up of her chewing the tip of the pen as the tackled the morning crossword puzzle. She completely breaks down at a close up of her, running her hand through her hair, the glimmer of her engagement ring flashing against the lens.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Alphabet Soup (Part 2/8)

**Characters:** Kate, Kate/Jack

**Summary:** A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**Dust**

She shuts her eyes tight and blows away the dust that had collected on the little box she'd hidden months ago in her top dresser drawer. Everything in the house was buried under a thick layer of dust but this little box is the first thing she goes to. She brushes it twice with the palm of her hand before she opens it. She reaches for the envelop sitting in the corner and pulls it out, her ring. She smiles for the first time in weeks as she puts it on, welcoming back the familiar weight on her finger.

**Escape**

She goes down to the beach to escape. She goes to a secluded beach they had discovered together one Sunday morning. She takes off her shoes and stand at the edge of the water. She sinks away, sinks to the island. She closes her eyes and remembers all the times they sank together. For a moment she feels him next to her, feels her hand brush his and his fingers interlocking with hers. She imagines he is doing the same, wherever he is, at the same moment she is. She lets the ocean breeze fill her chest and she knows they will sink together again, someday, somehow.

**Fear**

It is an odd kind of fears that creeps upon her at the strangest moments; when she is walking down the supermarket aisle and finds herself wondering, not sure, which shaving cream he preferred. It stops her in her tracks. She stands, holding a box in each hand with tears streaming down her face. She fears she is letting the memories slip away, like soft grains of sand through her fingers. She feels like she is losing him all over again, and this scares her more than anything else in the world.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for the reviews :D I'm sorry if they are too depressing, I know that just the thought of Jack dying and Kate having to move on with her life without him is devastating, but I am trying to keep something with a sense of "hope" or at least "positive" in these drabbles. Hope you enjoy these, I loved writing them :D Oh, and these are all un-beta-ed so if you find and typos and grammar errors please let me know

**Title:** Alphabet Soup (Part 3/8)

**Characters:** Kate, Kate/Jack

**Summary:** A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**Ghosts**

She knew that Hurley saw dead people and that Miles talked to them, or at least heard them. After what she'd seen on that island, she was in no place to say that was not possible, not after smoke monsters and time travelling and everything in between. Sawyer tells her he sometimes sees Juliet, not like Hurley would, but he would be walking down the street, and he would glimpse her down the sidewalk from him. He would look again and she'd be gone, replaced by someone who looked only slightly like her, blonde perhaps, or a pair of piercing blue yes, or a hearty smile. He admits that he lives for these moments; moments when for just a split second he can see her face or hear her laugh. It keeps him going he says, waiting for the next time his heart plays a trick on him.

She wishes she could see ghosts as well, the thought makes her laugh at the absurdity of it, but the next time Aaron has a vaccination appointment she tags along with him and Claire in the hopes that seeing someone in a lab coat, or a pair of blue scrubs will trigger that part of her brain, that she might for a split second get a chance to see his face, hear his voice and drown in his warm brown eyes. But it does not work. And she thinks that maybe not everyone is lucky enough to be haunted.

**Heroes**

Aaron wants to be Spiderman for Halloween. The four shops they visit are all sold out and apparently Superman and Batman are out of favor with four year olds. At the fifth store, a young store assistant helps them out, and the look on his face, before he speaks, lets them know that there is no Spiderman costume here as well. Instead, of just apologizing and walking off, the young man kneels down and asks the young boy, who despite the situation they are in is still in high spirits, "why do you want to dress up as Spiderman?"

Aaron looks up with a smile on his face and answers "because he is a superhero!" The young man looks up at the boy's mother and the woman he referred to as Aunt Kate and smiles. He looks back to Aaron and says, "you wanna know a secret, buddy?" Aaron nods and moves closer to the young man, "well, the truth is, Spiderman is cool, but he is nowhere near as cool as some other heroes?"

Kate and Claire watch as Aaron's eyes widen, listening closely to the store assistant who continues "there are much cooler heroes, ones that don't wear tights or masks or capes, and even though they don't have superpowers and can't fly, they save hundreds of people every day!"'

Aaron, looking amazed at the little secret his new friend is telling him, utters a simple, astonished "really?"

"Yup!"the young man replies, "and we see them every day too." Aaron replies to that excitedly, "but what do I dress to be a real hero?" The young man smiles and says "well, you can be a fireman, or a doctor, or…" Aaron does not wait for the store assistant to finish and turns around to face his mom and his aunt Kate, "Uncle Jack is a doctor," Aaron asks, still referring to Jack in the present despite understanding he will never come back, "is he a real hero?"

Kate and Claire share a look, Claire sees the tears welling in Kate's eyes and turns to her son, "yes, baby, he is."

**Ink**

She stands at the door of the tattoo parlor for the eighth time in two weeks. The first time she just stood at the door and stared at a colorful design in the window. It reminded her of his tattoos. _It's just you and your tattoos don't add up… _She remembered the glimmer in his eyes, squinting at the harsh morning sun, his lips curving upwards, and his giggle filling her with light.

The second time, she walks in for a moment before stepping back out. She sees a young man getting a tattoo of Chinese symbols on his shoulder blade and she fears she might break down if she stays any longer. Once she's out, she leans against the wall of the building as the memories wash over her. It was their first night together, on Penny's boat, and he was on top of her, tenderly kissing her jaw. Her hand was running along his arm, fingers stroking his warm skin. She asked him what they meant, tracing the elaborate design under her finger tips. He'd laughed, pulled up, his face hovering above hers, and teased, _Now?_

The next couple of times she goes in and stays little longer. The lady asks her if she's coming in to get anything done. _I don't know. I am not sure._ Her answer is always a variation of this. She stays long enough to overhear a few conversations. One guy gets a tattoo of his favorite football team's logo on his calf, a young lady looks through floral designs, a surprise for her boyfriend to discover on her hip, an older woman decides to keep it simple with the names an birthdates of her children.

Each time, she walks back out without even making it beyond the front desk. But this time she'd made up her mind. She knew from the moment she woke up that morning. She'd seen him in her dream again, and as he pulled her shirt over her head, gently kissing along her chest, he paused at her left shoulder and mumbled against it, _I like this._

Once she's back home, after a few hours, and an experience much less painful than she'd assumed, she makes her way to the bathroom. The scar is almost completely healed, she traces over it and leaves her finger to linger just below it, next to her new tattoo, a simple red _23_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Alphabet Soup (Part 4/8)

**Characters:** Kate, Kate/Jack

**Summary:** A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End. Featuring James, Claire and Aaron.

Thanks again so so much for the awesome reviews :D You guys are the best.

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**James**

He goes by James now. He is a changed man. They all see it. It is not only his name but everything about him is different, more mature, more responsible, more haunted. He holds himself together well. He got a job with a security company and worked his way up quickly. He is a father to Clementine now. It comes naturally to him. Cassidy swears he is not the same man she knew all those years ago.

Kate accidently calls him Sawyer from time to time, out of habit, or maybe her brain is trying to take her back to simpler times; times when James was Sawyer, when Aaron was an infant sleeping in a tent a few feet away from hers up the beach; a time when the biggest dilemma of the day was who will bring water down from the caves, with her secretly hoping it would be Jack because she'd missed him, last seeing him the evening before when he brought the beach camp their water. She would wait for him to make finish his morning rounds. He would make his way to her, sit next to her on the sand, letting the waves wash at their toes. He would silently hand her a water bottle, and she'd feel the jolt when his fingers brushed hers. They'd make small talk, about everything. She'd never tell him, but the worst part of her day was when he'd pull himself up, deriving her of his warmth against her skin and make his way back to the caves.

He comes over one afternoon while Claire and Aaron are back-to-school shopping. She can tell that he has been crying, not that he will ever confirm that. She makes coffee and they chat about their normal lives, his job, Clementine, Aaron, her job, the weather… He is looking to move into a new place, somewhere Clementine can come over to stay the weekend or a holiday, a place with a yard and a second bedroom, maybe even a pool.

They slip into a comfortable silence for a few minutes, and she can't help think how much things have changed between them, for the better. A few years ago they would never be able to just sit there and enjoy the silence between, or have a "normal, adult" conversation. They rarely talk about the island, it is always there, simmering at the top, but they never let it spill out.

He lets out a tired sigh and she turns to face him. She lays a hand on top of his and asks him if he is ok. He leans in towards her, and for a second, she starts leaning in too. It feels familiar, comfortable… safe. She feels his breath against her skin and pulls back. It feels wrong. She shakes her head, how can someone's breath feel wrong?

She says his name and he pulls back too, repeating a chorus of apologies. He gets up and leaves immediately.

They see each other again after two weeks. Miles invites them all to dinner, something they have been doing every month since they came back. He asks her if they are ok and she pulls into a hug.

Miles reminds her later that evening that it was the anniversary of Juliet's passing about two weeks before.

**Knots**

She helps Claire wash off the three years she'd spent in her own hell. They are in a hotel on an island somewhere in Guam according to Frank. Along with James, he is working on making sure everyone has the right paperwork so they can fly into LA the next day without any trouble.

They first get them separate rooms but the two women wordlessly agree to share one. They sit on one of the beds, silent, as Kate combs out the knots in Claire's hair. The blond woman hisses occasionally and Kate mumbles an apology. Soon enough they are both sinking in their own reveries a million miles away as they gaze at the midnight rain splashing against the window.

A few hours later, Claire slips into a nightmare ridden sleep, while Kate sits awake in her bed. She hugs her knees to her chest and cries as she did each of the three nights since they'd left. She runs her fingers through her curls and feels a new set of tears stream down her cheeks, as she wonders who will be there to comb out her endless knots.

**Little**

_I'm not little anymore! I can do this mommy!_

That is the mantra constantly being chanted by a seven year old Aaron. His independence and confidence are part of what make him the special, talented little boy he is. He is smart and observant, and cannot stop pointing out to everyone that he is not little anymore.

Claire and Aaron make their way through the supermarket aisles packing up groceries. Aaron makes and abrupt stop at the ice cream fridge and pulls at his mother's sleep. "Mommy, we need to get Aunt Kate ice cream," he states.

Claire looks at him quizzically and asks, "she didn't say she wants ice cream…" Aaron shakes his head and points for his mother to come down so he can whisper, "but she's sad, Mommy, and she likes ice cream when she is sad."

She looks at him, bewildered that he noticed Kate's mood while the other woman had tried her best to act normally around the little boy, "Sweetie, what makes you think Aunt Kate is sad?"

"Well, she didn't drink her coffee this morning, and she didn't laugh when you were watching tv and you laughed, Mommy," Aaron states, "I am not little, Mommy, I heard you talking in the kitchen last night. I know that her heart is broken. Just like today, three years ago Uncle Jack went to a place where Aunt Kate can't go to because there are no cars or planes there. And she misses him so much."

All Claire can do is to pull him towards her and engulf him in a hug as she tries to hold in her tears. Aaron whispers against her hair, "but it is ok, Mommy, Uncle Jack is waiting for her. And maybe someday they can make supercars and Aunt Kate can go see him."


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Alphabet Soup (Part 5/8)  
Characters: Kate, Kate/Jack  
Summary: A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**Rating:** R-ish I think

**AN:** I apologize for the delay in posting this part, I was travelling for 24 hours and was tired. Hope you like this. Oh, and this part has the "dirtiest" drabble of the series. Just thought I should point that out.

**Mother**

It is easier to talk to her now. It is unfortunate that it took all this to make it possible for Kate to open up and talk to her mother, to finally confess everything and be honest about it all. She allows herself to cry sometimes, something she'd tried to prevent herself from doing around her mother, not always succeeding though.

She drives up to her hometown in Iowa once a month. It is a long drive but Kate doesn't mind. It gives her a chance to give her a break from the hectic life in LA. A life in which everyone and everything is a reminder of him. She enjoys the long drive as it lets her clear her mind and collects her thoughts, to figure out exactly what to say and how to say it.

She had told her about Aaron, how they were pretending he is her son, confessed about the lie the Oceanic 6 had to live. She'd told her about Claire and the island, about Sawyer and Cassidy and Clementine. She's tearfully begged her forgiveness for killing Wayne, explained her reasons and wept for hours afterwards.

Today she wants to tell her about Jack, about he she finally understood what her mom had been trying to tell her all these years ago – _you cannot help who you love Katherine_.

She reads the sign and takes a deep breath. She is glad she does not have to face anyone from town, though, because that she is not yet ready for – she is still known as Diane Jansen's daughter who blew up her father. She checks her side view mirror and makes a right, finding herself at the familiar entrance to the town cemetery.

**Nurse**

_Looks like I'm gonna be your nurse._

_Won't be the first time._

She can still feel his blood against her skin. Her stomach turns at the memory of the crimson red seeping through his fingers. He knew he was dying and she hates that he was joking about it, not letting her see the scared vulnerable part of him. She wishes he hadn't asked her to leave, asked her to take his sister back to his nephew.

If he'd given her a choice she would have chosen to stay; to be his nurse one more time and stitch him back up, fix him like he fixed her.

**Orange**

"These are cute," Claire comments as they are folding laundry together on a lazy summer afternoon. Kate looks up and sees Claire pointing towards a pair of orange lace panties. An involuntary blush creeps to Kate's cheeks and she nods, biting her upper lip. Kate is rescued by the phone ringing in the other room and Claire getting up to pick it.

Kate touches her cheeks and smiles to herself. Those had always been Jack's favorite, although he would never admit that in so many words. But there was always something different when she wore them. He would always look at her with the lust in his eyes a shade darker than usual; his touches were always a little more eager, rougher; his kisses more passionate, more raw. She closes her eyes and recalls the first time she'd worn them. Her fingers retrace the path his lips and tongue had made on her flushed skin. Tender at first, he's left kisses on her lips, behind her ear, along her jaw as his fingers started to unbutton her shirt. Her fingers linger at that spot on her neck where he'd paused a little longer, sucking gently. She can feel his laugh vibrating through her when she moaned as he nibbled at that spot. She can still feel his finger, lip and tongue as they made their journey along her skin, his fingers leading the way, ridding her of her clothes. She shivers at the memory of his lips upon her chest, the breeze dancing into the room cooling the spots his lips had recently deserted. She closes her eyes and sees his face as he reached the edge of her shorts, his thumbs ceasing their caress on her thighs, his jaw dropping, as his eyes notice the orange lace peeking out from behind her shorts. He looped his fingers around the waistband and the shorts were off in record time. She can still hear the sound that escaped his lips resonating in her ears; a grunt, or something like a growl, dark, raw and feral.

It took him a moment to recover, but he was soon back to where he left off. There was a little something different; better. And as his lips found their way back to their original path, reaching their intended destination, all she could do was grab onto his hair and hold on, grateful for the strong hold he had on her hips.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Alphabet Soup (Part 6/8)  
Characters: Kate, Kate/Jack  
Summary: A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**AN:** Again I apologize for the delay in posting this part, finals and work and all the crap in between kept me from posting this :\

**Pills**  
She cannot sleep. It has been a week since they left the island, a week of sleepless nights; nightmares keeping her up brought the blinding darkness. She hears Claire crying in the bed across hers with her back turned to Kate and her shoulders shaking.

In the morning she takes awalk to a nearby drugstore. She finds what she is looking for and makes her way to the cashier. She waits in line as the pharmacist attends to the customer in front of her. All it takes is for him to utter the first syllable of the medicine to make her drop the little box she is crying and run for the door.

Oxycodone.

**Questions**  
They all have them and they throw them at her relentlessly. The reporters' are the easiest, surprisingly. They ask her how it feels to survive a second plane crash and she just rolls her eyes. Soon there are theories and conspiracies and elaborate government plots to kill the original Oceanic passengers.

The questions that Hurley's mother throws at her are harder. Kate is grateful that Desmond had visited her with that that Hurley is alive and the new Jacob - not all that news she was grateful for, though. But she is grateful that she calm the woman down and reassure her about her son.

Walt passes by a few times - he is going to school in LA - happy to see a few familiar faces but devastated about the news of the rest.

Sun's mother calls her once and although Kate knows the answers to her questions, somehow, she finds the words refusing to leave he lips.

The hardest questions to answer come from a three year old boy, with confused blue eyes and a quivering lower lip. He wants to know why Kate left him, if she does not live him anymore. He wants to know why he has two mommies now. He wants to know where his uncle Jack has gone too, and if he can be back in time to read to him tonight.

He holds on to Kate's hand, pulls on it gently and looks up at her, "will we see him again?"

**Regret**  
"anything good on TV tonight?" she asks Claire from the kitchen as he puts away the last of the dishes after dinner. Claire browses through the channels and eventually pauses at one channel "do you like costume dramas?"

"Which one?" Kate asks, drying off her hands and walking over to take a seat on the couch across from Claire, who flips to the guide and answers, "Miss Austen Regrets, heard if it?"

Kate has not heard of it. And to be honest, although they end up watching it, she has no clue what happens in it. She was too busy watching another version of Miss Austen Regrets, Kaye Austen.

She regrets every time she had lied to him, every minute she could have spent with him that she chose to spend away from him, every time she turned her back and walked away from him, every time he walked away and she could not find the courage to go after him.

She regrets letting him walk away after he told her he loved her. She regrets turning her back on him when he needed her most, letting him drown his demons in alcohol and pills instead of in her.

She regrets pushing him away when he made her feel whole when she needed nothing bur him. She regrets allege wasted chances, all the cold shoulders, and all the stubborn breaks. She regrets every wall she threw in his face and every lost opportunity to chip away at his.

She regrets not telling him she loved him every day, every minute and with every breath she took.


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Alphabet Soup (Part 7/8)

**Characters:** Kate, Kate/Jack  
**Summary**: A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**AN:** So, one more chapter after this and it will be over. The plan is to write an afterlife version of the same concept (as demanded by my awesomely persistent friend, Franci). You guys interested?

Oh, and I know the last chapter was full of typos. That is what you get when you type on your iPod while driving :p

**Scruff**

_I bought you a razor._

_What? You don't like the scruff?_

The razor is still sitting in the same spot he had left it in, by the sink. Just like his chuckle is still resonating against every surface of the house.

The truth is she loved the scruff. She loved the extra edge it added to the mystery of her hardcore spinal surgeon. She loved the rough feeling against her soft fingers on lazy Sunday mornings when she'd wake him with light kisses against his chest. She loved the prickly sensation, so different from the warm smooth texture of his chest, when her lips made their way to his face, kissing his jaw, his cheeks, his eyelids… He would wake up but keep his eyes shut, wrapping his strong arms around her waist, pulling him on top him and pressing her down until their bodies were flush against each other, and his fingers would start their delicious journey on her back.

Yes, she does love the scruff.

**Tea**

She's gotten used to tea being the first choice drink, what with living with Claire all those years. And to be honest, she likes it that way. Coffee reminded her of him. Coffee has become something she drinks alone; it has gotten a new meaning, a sort of intimate one. She would make herself a cup late at night, after everyone had gone to bed; black of course, slip into one of his shirts (they are all pretty old and used now, but she does not care), curl up with it in his side of the bed (she still calls it that although she has been sleeping in it for years) and imagine him with her, enjoying his own cup, sitting behind her, his arms around her as she rested her back against his chest.

Tea is what she drinks with other people now, so when Penny asks her what she prefers, tea is the obvious answer.

She is visiting Desmond and Penny in London as part of a little trip around Europe that Claire and Aaron had to more or else bribe her to take. Penny looks older, but happy, her wide smile never escaping her lips. She looks relaxed, content and their home looks full of life and love.

Penny is coming in with the tray when the front door opens and brings with it a chaos of laughter and shouting.

"The boys are home," Penny stated, her smile widening, as she puts down the tray to usher "the boys" in to greet their guest. Kate hasn't seen them in a long time. They had visited them in LA many years ago when Penny was pregnant with their second child.

Kate turns to meet the boys (young men) who'd just entered with their father.

"Sorry they're filthy, rugby practice…" Penny laughs and Kate smiles, the boys reminding her of Aaron after football practice, their faces smothered with sweat and dirt, clothes disheveled, hair a mess (they both have their father's mess of brown hair), and mud up to their knees.

Before Penny has the chance to introduce a grown up Charlie and his brother to Kate, Desmond cuts in and wraps her in a hug, "it is so good to see you, Kate".

He releases her with a smile and allows his wife to do the introductions.

"This is Charlie, you probably don't recognize him," Penny starts, and Kate doesn't, if it wasn't for his hair and eyes that matched his mother, as the young man towered over both his parents, "and this," Penny continues, moving on to her younger son, almost as tall as his brother but leaner with shorter hair and his father's eyes, "is Jack."

**Under-dressed**

"How about this?" Kate asks stepping out of her dressing room, presenting the waiting Claire with a choice of a black outfit.

Claire rolls her eyes and laughs, "do you have your bar exams, Kate?"

"What? I like this outfit! It's decent," Kate tries to explain.

"And this is where your problem lays, Kate. We are not looking for decent for this specific occasion," Claire says, getting off the bed and pushing her way past Kate into the dressing room.

She emerges a moment later with an emerald green dress, "what we are looking for is something more like this!"

"I don't know…" Kate mumbles, gently touching the silky fabric between her fingers.

"Kate, you are being honored by the city, by the mayor himself, everybody who is anybody is going to be there, I bet there's even going to be a red carpet! You want look like you stepped out of a funeral?" Claire argued, pushing the dress into Kate's arms and grabbing the black outfit away from her, "now get dressed so I can too! We still have to bribe our boy off the computer and into a tux."

Kate looks gorgeous in her green dress (the mayor learns that first hand, later that evening getting a fight with his wife for ignoring her and staring at the brunette all evening) as she walks down the red carpet with a sixteen year old Aaron. The special evening is to honor a number of local women, and Kate's work for the past ten years with children of abusive parents earns her a rightful place among these women.

**Voicemail**

It was two days after their return when she heard it again. She was going through her texts, missed calls and voice mail (which didn't make much sense because most of the people who had her number were back on the island, in one way or another).

A few texts and calls from Cassidy, her lawyer, Aaron's nanny etc… and then she heard it. The tears were silent at first but then she heard those words and lost it, sobbing freely, tears streaming down her face, her shoulder trembling and shaking.

_I just need to see you._

She clutched the phone between her hands and wept for hours, listening to it over and over until she fell into a tired sleep.

She sits at the kitchen counter, transferring the data of her old phone into the new one, phone numbers, pictures, text messages and that one audio file (she has lost count how many times she has copied and pasted it from one phone to another) and she listens to it for what has to be the thousandth time, letting his voice dance across the room before she starts another day, without him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** Alphabet Soup (Part 8/8)

**Characters:** Aaron, Kate, Kate/Jack  
**Summary**: A series of drabbles. Kate's POV. Post The End

**AN:** This is it folks ;) thanks for sticking around and for the amazing comments.

**Waiting**

Aaron rubs his temple under his finger tips and shakes his head slightly. The doctor in front of him goes on and on without saying much that is helpful.

"What you're telling me is, you still have no idea what is wrong with her?" He interrupts the doctor, his palm traveling over his short cropped hair.

"I'm afraid so, sir," the doctor explain, "We still need to do a few more tests."

Aaron scoffs, his voice aggravated as he says, "you've been doing tests for over two weeks now and you still have no clue why she is dying. How many more tests are there left for you to even do?"

The doctor remains calm and replies, "I know this is frustrating, sir, but we are doing all we can to find out what is wrong with Miss Austen. There are a few more tests that we need to do, maybe they can help us understand…"

Aaron sighs, "is there anything _we_ can do?"

The doctor smiles politely, "right now, just keep her company, and wait."

Aaron nodded slightly, thanking the doctor and walking back into the room to wait; to wait with the woman who spent her life waiting for something she knew would never come.

**Xerox**

"And if you would just make copies of these papers, then we'll be able to go ahead with the paperwork," the older nurse says, "there is a Xerox machine just down the hall."

Aaron looks through the list she handed him and collects the papers he needs, grabbing Kate's wallet along with him to make copies of her ID and insurance card.

He pulls out her ID and accidentally pulls out something else with it. He turns the paper over and feels a sob escaping his throat. He finds himself staring straight into the familiar smiling eyes of his uncle Jack, sitting behind a two year old version of him at the park. He has not seen the picture in years; Kate had long removed it from the mantle, years after they came back from the island. Aaron was sad to see it go, he loved that picture, but his mom told him it was a good thing, a sign that Kate was finally moving on. He folds it back into it's place as he realizes that taking the picture of the mantle was never a sign of moving on, she just needed it closer, needed _him_ closer, to be able to see his face, sink into the warmth of his smile, to be with her at all times, a little piece of the perfect life she once had, so briefly before it all came crashing down around her.

**Years**

Aaron tries to get comfortable in his seat, twisting and turning, not once releasing the frail hand he wraps in his. He has not left her side once, refusing even to switch seats with Claire even for a few minutes to get a decent sleep on the more comfortable couch. No, he remains in the small desk chair next to Kate's bed, holding her hand, hoping that she would open her eyes, even if for the shortest moment.

He wants her to wake up so he can get the chance to thank her, to tell her he loves her. He wants one last chance to look into the eyes of the woman who was the first mother he remembers having as a child; the sweetest aunt anyone can have growing up, the strongest supporter he has ever had (she has read his latest book 4 times already, his editor didn't even do that) and the closest and best friend he has ever known.

The doctors had told them there was not much they could do. They could not diagnose exactly what was wrong with her, but she was dying. It left them perplexed that someone who is still young, healthy, no previous medical issues, would just collapse one day with no apparent symptoms and nothing appearing in all the tests they did.

Aaron let his tears fall freely, unabashedly, as he squeezed her hand tighter in his, thinking that, of course, the doctors cannot cure the woman who has spent years nursing a broken heart.

**Zero**

She can hear them but cannot find the strength to open her eyes; or rather, she does not wish to open her eyes, fearing that is she does, all this will end up being a dream. She does not want to lose this dream, not this time, not again. She has opened her eyes way too many times and lost his face, lost his touch, lost his voice to the dream world as she had to join the real one. This time, she is choosing to stay in this dream world.

She hears them talk and they think she is hallucinating (she was just talking to Desmond, and Claire points out that Desmond was miles away in London as far as she knows). An unfamiliar voice explains with medical terms she does not pay attention to, and she hears Claire cry and Aaron console her. If she wants to open her eyes it is only to tell them it is ok, that she is ok; to beg them not to cry because she is in a better place, a place where he is alive.

She feels Aaron sit down next to her and pull her hand into his. She wants to squeeze his hand back but she is distracted by the sight him walking in her direction, dressed in a suit and looking as handsome as she remembers. He is confused, distracted, and he starts trailing off about his son and missing the concert.

Aaron touches her face, wipes her hair of her forehead and she tries to smile, but Jack steps forward and asks her where he knows her from and it breaks her heart that he does not remember her, she wants to hold him and cry, she wants to be angry at him for not being able to see her yet, but instead she steps closer to him and holds her face in her hands, and she just tells him how much she has missed him, her voice, her eyes, pleading with him to open his, to look at her, really look at her. He closes his eyes and she holds her breath for a moment. She can feel his skin warming against her fingertips but he pulls back suddenly, and she knows it will take a little longer until he is completely ready. She asks him to come with her and he agrees. She smiles. _As long as it takes_, she thinks to herself as she walks a few steps behind him towards his car.

She'll wait for him as long as it takes.

Aaron is crying now, his drenched eyes barely registering the red zero blinking on the screen in front of him, he could hear her and he knows she is with him. He wants to tell her to wait for him, to tell Jack that he misses him too, that he wants to be with them, but he knows it is not his turn yet, and that this is their chance to finally be together, just as they should be. Like his uncle Jim says,

_What is meant to be is meant to be._


End file.
